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October 30, 2006

Oh my… I think it just hit me… What am I doing??

We had another pretty leisurely morning today, and then we started doing a little exploring around the house.  Yesterday, when we weren’t sleeping (which we did most of the day!), we were in the kitchen eating one meal or another.  Today I figured it was about time for the girls to get to know their house.  One of the first things they figured out was that the whole main floor is one big circle, and you can start at the front door, go through the dining room, then the kitchen, then the pantry, then the den, then the living room and – voila – you’re back at the front door.  That is SOOO cool.

The next thing they discovered was the piano.  I don’t think they were allowed to play the piano much at the baby house (probably not at all), so a piano that they can actually play any time they want is a pretty neat thing to have.  I sat both of them on the bench and heard our first masterful duet.  It was wonderful until Maggie wanted more bass and Ryn definitely needed something past middle C.  I had to threaten to take them both off the bench if they couldn’t play nicely together.  There I go with that whole Mommy tone of voice again!

   So, do you know Heart & Soul?

Things were going fairly well though until they started exploring the pictures in the room.  I had pictures from Mom and Dad’s wedding on the coffee table in the living room as well as lots of family pictures on shelves of the bookcase and on the piano.  When Ryn picked up one of the pictures of Mom and Daddy I nearly lost it – and that’s when I think I nearly scared my children to death.  They’d never seen Mommy cry before.  In that moment it all hit me.  I miss my Daddy so much I can’t breathe.  In fact, right then I couldn’t do anything but sit in the floor and cry like my heart was breaking into a million pieces.  All I could think was “he should be here now.  He’d love them so much, and they need him.  Didn’t God know that they were going to need him?  That I need him??  What if I can’t love them enough to make up for the fact that they don’t have the Papa they need and deserve so very, very much?  I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.  I can’t do this without my Daddy.  What am I going to do?  Oh God, what am I going to do?”

I’m almost embarrassed to admit this, but sometimes I feel like John Mayer is writing bits and pieces of a sound track of my life.  How sad is that?  Cyndi’s life in pop music…  I hope he doesn’t find out and think he’s supposed to get some kind of royalty checks or something like that.  Still, I started hearing a phrase from a John Mayer song humming in the back of my head. There’s a line in his song “Daughters” that goes “Fathers be good to your daughters because daughters will love like you do.”  I pray with all my heart and soul that that’s true.  Nobody could love as sweetly and truly as my Daddy loved me.  I just pray that I learned enough from him to love my kids like he loved his.  They certainly deserve it.